


there for you

by kosmokuns



Series: gorgeously delicate [6]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt, Grief/Mourning, Healthy Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, mick is a good bf, my favourite tag ever <33, ok u get the drift, some of this is callum dealing with anthoine's passing, the main theme is grief, uhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:21:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29722701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kosmokuns/pseuds/kosmokuns
Summary: mick goes to his first f1 race weekend. it's spa. callum needs some support and some love.
Relationships: Callum Ilott/Mick Schumacher
Series: gorgeously delicate [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2133009
Comments: 10
Kudos: 59





	there for you

Mick and Callum entwine their fingers over the top of the table on Mick’s apartment’s balcony, both with short coffees in their free hands, sipping in silence to the view of the lake and the mountains. It’s been a week since Callum’s crash and he’s fine, their relationship good as well. Mick actually believes they’re stronger than ever, and each day that passes he’s thinking that there might be no one else for him but Callum. Seeing Callum happy, makes him a sort of euphoric he didn’t think he’d ever feel, and it’s glorious.

Their morning had been sweetly sluggish like honey, hazy morning sex and a slow shower and amble to get bread and croissants from the bakery before returning home. Callum has been mulling something over, Mick can tell, he wasn’t quite present, clearly thinking about something hard. Mick had to finish making the coffees himself because Callum got so lost in a daze they almost burned. He’s waiting for it to come out, it always does with Callum, never keeps anything a secret for long.

“Would you come with me to Spa?” Callum asks, still looking out over the lake. Mick’s eyes flick to look at him,

“Why?” He replies. Callum shrugs,

“I don’t like going there alone, and I thought it’s a good race for your first grand prix appearance,” Of course, Mick thinks, the accident with Anthoine happened there. They’ve spoken a bit about it, sometimes they sit together and tears fall and Mick knows it’s about that, about the loss and the feeling of dread that Callum has tried to describe, not knowing what was happening. Mick doesn’t like to think about it, can’t think about it because of the what ifs regarding his own boyfriend.

“If you need me there, I’m there. No further questions,” Mick turns Callum’s head with a gentle hand, looking into his eyes with a surety that makes Callum want to cry, “I don’t want to be paraded around like a trophy like some of those women though,” He says the last part completely serious, and Callum nods.

“I wouldn’t want you to be, I’ll talk to Jack, but love, the fans will start digging as soon as they see you. Anything you want to keep private you need to start burying now,” He tells him, and Mick smiles softly,

“I know,” He smooths his thumb across Callum’s cheek, “C’mere,” He leans forward and kisses Callum with a hand on the back of his neck. Their lips glide smoothly together, an innocent gesture of love in the Swiss summer heat.

*

On Wednesday, their flight to Spa comes around quicker than expected, and soon enough they’re trudging through duty free with their hand luggage. F2 and F3 are going to Spa this year as well, and Callum sees a few people he knows hanging around the airport in Geneva and stops to speak to them.

Mick watches on from a sofa in the lounge, their hand luggage under his legs. One of the things he loves about his boyfriend is how physically affectionate he is, there’s always a hand on his back or his shoulder, a soft kiss being pressed to any skin that Callum can reach, and Mick hasn’t had that before with any of his previous boyfriends. Watching Callum with his friends now though, Mick realises that the touching extends to everyone. Not the kissing, obviously, but he greets everyone with a hug, squeezes their arms, keeps brushing close. He finds he doesn’t mind; he thinks it’s sweet, completely reassured that Callum’s love is only for him. That’s new in this relationship as well, the belief that his partner doesn’t have wondering eyes, the feeling of security.

Callum turns back to look at him, gives him a dazzling smile and gestures to him with his head. The person he’s speaking to smiles as well and waves, and Callum leads them over. Straightening himself out, Mick stands up and shoves his hands in his hoodie as they get closer.

“Hello,” He says, reaching out to rub Callum’s back as he comes to stand next to him,

“This is JM,” Callum says with a smile, ecstatic, “We were teammates in my first year of F2, and he was involved in the crash in 2019,”

“Nice to meet you,” Mick says, puts out a hand. JM shakes it,

“And you as well,” His voice is gruff, American and slightly accented, and he’s taller than Mick and broader than Callum,

“First year of F2, so you were twenty?” Mick poses to Callum, who nods, he turns back to JM, “I bet you’ve got all the embarrassing stories then,” He says with a wicked grin, Callum drops his head onto Mick’s shoulder and groans. JM giggles,

“You would not believe, it must’ve been like dealing with children with us,” He pauses to laugh, “I had this hammock, and it took me fucking ages to put up, Callum made fun of me for it the entire time, then one day, I come to the room to get my stuff and guess who’s napping in my hammock? This one. Kicked his ass and woke him up,” Mick laughs, happy to see Callum was always a little shit,

“It’s not like you didn’t almost crash your road car at testing because you were too busy talking to your Instagram,” Callum shoots back and JM fake-punches him on the shoulder,

“You distracted me by flirting with me, so that would’ve been on you,” Mick raises an eyebrow at Callum, “Sorry I didn’t-,” JM starts,

“Don’t worry about it, he only got me because of what a shameless flirt he is,” Mick brushes away JM’s worries while Callum whines about how unfair that idea is. They talk for a bit longer, swap stories until their flight is called and they line up, joining the queue of mostly motorsport personnel going to Spa.

The flight is short, and they get to Spa at nine in the evening, deciding to order room service in their hotel room. Jack had met them at the airport, detailed his plans for the weekend, Callum had a demanding media day on Thursday, as per the usual at Spa, and he told Mick if he stuck to the hotel, he would avoid having photos taken of him. Mick was fine with that; he could use the gym and do some sketching.

“How do you feel so far?” Callum asks him after dinner when they are lying in bed, Mick’s head resting in his lap, dozing.

“I’ve been here two hours, babe, I’m fine,” He replies, patting Callum’s foot.

“I just don’t want you to feel smothered, or-,”

“Callum, I promise I’ll tell you if it’s too much, but we’ve only gone to the hotel. Stop fussing,” He sits up to lean his body into Callum’s, “I think we should talk about what it’s like for you to be here,” Callum grunts and shifts away, Mick stopping him with a hand on his shoulder, “I only ask because I worry about what this is like for you,” He says carefully. Callum comes back closer to him,

“Can we cuddle, if we’re going to do this?” His voice sounds small, like a child’s, and it breaks Mick’s heart,

“Of course, always,” They hunker down in the duvet, Mick taking Callum into his arms as Callum presses his face to his chest and inhales deeply,

“I can just see it in front of my eyes every time someone mentions it, and I remember him so clearly, we had so much fun that year in GP3 as teammates,” Mick hears Callum sniffle, “It just hurts coming back, I always think of him,” He runs a hand through Callum’s hair, tugging out the knots, and kisses the top of his head softly,

“It’s hard to lose someone,” He says, “You’re brave for coming back here,”

“I don’t want to be brave, I just want him back,” Callum’s voice cracks and Mick hears the tears in his voice, and brings Callum’s face onto his shoulder, rubbing his back as he cries, dampening Mick’s t-shirt. As Callum starts to hiccough into sobs, Mick reaches over to his bedside table to text Marcus and Gianluca on their group chat,

_Mick:_ I think Callum needs some cheering up. Here’s our room number, come up and let’s watch a movie.

_Marcus:_ On my way, I’ll bring snacks

_Gianluca:_ Poor Callum, coming right now!

Mick whispers quiet reassurances into Callum’s ear and manages to calm him down enough for them to be able to sit up, Callum letting him dab his tears away with a tissue,

“Marcus and Gianluca are coming to watch a movie, okay?” He tells him, and Callum nods. Mick leans forward and kisses him chastely, “You don’t have to say anything you can just lie here if you want,”

“I know,” Callum says, voice hoarse, “Thank you,”

“You don’t need to thank me, babe,” Mick smiles wetly at him, carding a hand through his hair.

*

The movie night goes smoothly, Gianluca and Marcus understand what Callum’s going through much more than he ever could. There’s a part of him that’s glad he wasn’t there for the shock of it when it happened, he’s not sure he could’ve handled the iron grip of grief in the following days, but there’s another part that wishes he knew Callum then to be there for him. It’s a paradox.

Thursday morning begins with a light breakfast, and Callum invites Mick out with him to the crash site,

“I want to go there, just to remind myself of what’s important,” He says over toast and coffee. Mick agrees instantly,

“When said I’m there for you I meant it,” He regards Callum with serious eyes and sips his drink,

“I just don’t want you shouldering this when you don’t want to,” Callum admits and Mick takes his hand in his own,

“I always want to, okay? We do everything together, we share everything, that’s how this works. I want to do this with you because I love you,”

“I love you too,” Callum’s oak leaf eyes soften at Mick’s touch, and he presses a kiss to the back of Mick’s hand.

They collect their stuff from their room and head out to the track to walk to where the accident happened. Eau Rouge is a lot steeper than he expected, but he jogs up backwards to laugh at Callum struggling, true to his athletic form. Callum, on the other hand, ever the little shit, fakes being tired, letting Mick have his fun before sprinting up and hauling him into his arms, peppering kisses onto his face in a disgusting show of PDA for the cameras. He knows those shots will be everywhere in the coming days, and frankly he hasn’t got the mind to care.

“Stop Callum,” Mick whines, barely concealing the grin on his face, “Everyone’s looking,” Callum just hums in response, tightening his arms around Mick waist,

“Kinda hot, not gonna lie,” He whispers into his ear, and Mick pulls his arms apart from his body and pushes him up the hill, making Callum stumble, “That was very hot,”

“Shut the fuck up and get up the hill, Ilott,” Mick says sternly, winking at Callum when he sees him checking if he was serious.

Callum loses his playfulness the closer he gets, taking Mick’s hand in his own. By the time they get there, he’s completely silent and Mick can hear him breathing in sharp inhales, “Hey, deep breaths, it’s okay,” Mick soothes, brows knitted in concern. Bringing up a hand, he rubs circles onto Callum’s back and looks up at him, lips pursed together. Callum swallows and nods, attempting to slow his pounding heart. He counts out his breaths, but it fails, and he just ends up more panicked than before,

“Help, Mick,” He chokes out, crumbling into Mick’s side, “Can’t breathe,” He gasps, and Mick catches him before he falls with a hand grabbing him on each bicep. Fuck, Mick thinks, he pulls Callum further into him, shielding him from the cameras with his own body, hoping someone has the sense to tell them to stop taking pictures, and gently brings them both to the ground.

“Callum, we’re going to count our breaths together, okay? Four in, four hold, and four out. One, two three four…” Mick holds up his fingers as well, repeating the numbers as Callum struggles along with him. The first few goes round are disastrous, but Mick perseveres, keeping counting calmly in an even tone and eventually, Callum gets back to a somewhat normal, if not slightly jumpy, breathing pattern. His head falls forward to rest on his knees and Mick keeps a hand on his shoulder, crouching down in front of him, letting him work the rest out for himself,

“What on God’s green fucking earth was that?” Callum mumbles, and Mick musses his hair,

“I believe in English you would call it a panic attack,” Callum groans,

“That was one of the worst things I’ve ever been through in my life,”

“I know, it feels really scary,” Mick scans his body, checking for any sign of hurt, noticing Callum’s fingers shaking from where they’re tangled over his head. Callum looks up at him, face red, “How do you feel now?”

“I just want to go to sleep,” He replies, “But I have an entire day of things to do,”

“I’m sure they’ll let you off, babe, today is a difficult day for everyone,” Mick watches him rub at his eyes, and eases them both off the floor,

“Could you just wait for one moment while I…” He gestures to where flowers had been laid on the track, Mick gives his affirmation and stands back.

Callum walks up to the barrier with legs like a new-born deer, touches it gently with one hand and bows his head. The memories are clear as the ice lakes of Switzerland today, and the grief has turned from a faint whisper to a clanging church bell. He feels so much, he doesn’t know how to put it into words. There’s sadness, anger, a strange mixture of hope and frustration as well, there’s a powerful thrum of wanting to do well for him that drowns out most of the rest. He supposes that’s the part of him that’s aware that this was their dream, racing in F1 was what they both wanted, and what he carries alone for him now.

He stays there for a few minutes, forces out a few words to God that feel foreign in his mouth but feel necessary anyway and hurries back to Mick’s side,

“Okay?” Mick whispers and Callum nods down at him, lips brushing the top of his head,

“Yeah,” He says and takes his boyfriend’s hand to lead him back down the hill to the paddock.

When they get back to their room, Callum struggles to keep his eyes open and flops onto the bed face first, then groans. Mick huffs a laugh and comes to perch next to him,

“Why don’t you put on something comfortable and I’ll go tell the team you’re feeling unwell?” He suggests,

“Please?” He hears Callum say, voice muffled by the pillow,

“Of course,” Mick replies and leans over pressing a kiss to the back of his head, “You’re strong for coming here, don’t forget it,” He squeezes his hip and Callum grunts in return, leaving Mick to deal with the team.

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! long time no see. i hope ur all well. i tried to keep this respectful and the focus on callum + his grief and not anthoine, i hope i did a good job!!  
> i adore comments,  
> ur author x


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